"Don't be so humble, you're not that great". - Golda Meir

So as  life moves forward it has consistantly gotten busier crazier and a little bit more brighter.

Refreshing to say the least. Well as refreshing as it can get.

The issue with  the rapist  died. He didn't admit to everything total for the conference call. I have been getting called, stalked, followed, left messages. It's scary. I really can't handle it. I have thrown myself into panic attacks. Scares me. 

I spent the night a few nights ago just crying. I haven't done that in awhile. It was with the redhead. I hate crying especially in front of him. He gave me some advice to just confront him. I don't know if I could do that. Really? The man who fucked me to the extent of bruises on my legs, my disoriented self didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do when it comes to the extent of seeing him on campus. It happens, more than I would like as well.

It kind of makes me scared to see what happens next. 

It was comforting to know he had some problems too. I just wish he kind of understood why my trust issues are out of control. Atleast for the moment.

In happier in news, I spoke with my brother for the first time in over 20 years. They have been looking for me. Amazing.We all hate my father, and I actually kind of look like them. Pretty nuts.

Paisley Jane signing out.

“Your heart is my piñata.”

Well alot has happened since I last posted. Which I don't even remember. This one isn't really up-lifting or happy. It's just my way to vent. And at this point in time. It's something I need. Something healthy perhaps.

  It all started  Around May 17th. I was admitted into the hospital. For my vomiting problem which was later diagnosed as Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I had 2 allergic reactions. One to something called reglan and the other to some mass amount of potassium they put into my system. But during this time- something else happened. They prescribed me with something called Ambien. You know  the one where you get a good nights rest? Well after a week of being in the hospital and an endoscopy later- I was discharged. But for the next three days I was on nothing- and not sleeping.

For the next 4 days- I slept. Maybe not well. But I slept. I wouldn't remember things during the day- and when I slept- I would be knocked out. To the extent of where you could shake me and yell at me- I would just sleep through it. Which you know intially people dream to sleep like this. I was content for the moment- until something happen. Something I probably will remember along with a few other things for the rest of my life. 

So during the day of May 29-30th  I went swimming at my pool and hung out with a few friends. Sure I got a little frustrated with Nathan. But what else is new.I don't even know why now- so its obviously that important. I went to bed at 930 and woke up at 12 ish. A friend came  over to talk. from that point on I remember nothing. Mind you I was on Ambien.  Remarkably my friend, Tristan mentioned issues with memory loss. Which I had suffered the night before when I crashed at Nathan's not remembering when people called to talk to me. 

So May 30th happened. I woke up. Brusing on my thieghs and noticable  brusing on my neck- the back of it. My roommate walks out and asks ," did you have sex with BLEEEEP".  I said  I guess so-  I didn't remember a thing. The shock  was rediculous. The only thing that was going through my head is- why me? I didn't do anything- I wasn't being seductive nonetheless flirtatous. I was drugged out of my mind asleep. I felt used. Like all I was good for was someone to sleep with- someone to use. 

In that factor - to be used by someone  that you didn't want to associate yourself with nothing more than friends.

I  didn't understand why I was having panic attacks. Like breakdown in the middle of Fry's over Good and Plenty breakdown. I was a wreck. At this point in time 3 people knew what happened. My roomate- Me( or what I could see was wrong)-and the perpertrator.

As the week went on things got worse-- my sleep schedule was off. I felt out of sorts. Not like myself. I was in the state of fear. Until I got a text from the Perpretrator. Which included-

Wasn't last night fun?

me- I don't remember last night and  what happened? Did we have sex? 

Perp- Yeah. I stopped when you told me too.

I don't remember him coming in my room nonetheless giving someone permission to have sex with me. 

It came to the point when I had one of these attacks right before I went to the doctor. I reorganized my thoughts and decided I needed to talk to someone.. tell someone else. And that's when I got ahold of Tempe police. And explained my situation.  I also later explained it to Nathan and 2 other friends.

I am at the breaking point of where I feel pressured to file charges. I know the factor of a rape case in Tempe going through is less than 5 percent. 

Or do I put a restraining order on this person. And it stay there for a year. Unless someone looks him up for a job and it's there for life.

I feel kind of worthless. I feel used. I don't even want to be around people anymore. People don't get the idea of someone having that ultimate control over you.

I wish I had some kind of power to fix it.

So I am selling some of the possessions that are directly associated with this crime. 

I am living until further notice. I want to move on with life- but don't really have anyone to talk about this with.

I wake, I wake, I wake and greet the day The light is on the change is made I can see my way

Alot has happened in the past week. Hell and even the past month.

I met the infamous Jon Black. That was fun. We had a good time. 

School is over minus 2 finals. I like it that way. I got all a's and b's. Go me! I can be smart- well you know if I apply myself.

I took a practice LSAT to see how well I did-167 not too bad. If I break 170 ill consider law school.

I saw MAE it was fantastically amazing. Especially the after acoustic show. They move me well.

Men are interesting, the more I disassociate myself from the redhead... the more others come onto me. It's interesting. I haven't done anything about it. I dont think I should most of them live out of state. And I want to make sure everything is going to be right. You know a nice guy, because in all actuality anyone can sleep with assholes. I do it, it hasn't hurt me yet. Go figure.

Alot of it I have decided about men is that shouldnt be my project, I should just enjoy the company thats what I have been doing lately. Alot less stress, I decided I do deserve someone better. Someone who makes me smile for no apparent reason, laugh without worries, and have a conversation I can remember. I haven't got that in awhile. Where I just sigh and go "wow". 

I think you know the more you expect out of life the less you get from it. It's kind of like- when people expect from a situation something surprises them and something good comes from it. In some ways of dating it work like  the person who expects less ends up finding someone else or something else to spend their time doing. It's sad. It's why relationships should be an equal balance.

I am looking for that balance. Soon I will find it.

Baby- it's been a long day. Things aint going my way.

 Lots have happened in  the past week.

I am avoiding talking about males. Lets just say the one I like the good things are happening and I am not just focusing on that. Got shit to do!

School is great. I got a 99% on my presentation. I am apparently an impressive public speaker. go figure.

My family is off in Indiana enjoying their life. Hopefully I will get some Mello Yello.

I wonder how- I will take Friday- it's Relay for Life sponsered by the American Cancer Society. Not a fan of the organization but my fathers spirit probably shouldnt be unsettled. it will be emotional.

Oh yeah. I haven't slept well in weeks.

And Amber Hess' murderers are being charged as Adults. Thank whatever powerful force decided that. May 5th it's d-day.May Amber Rest in Peace.

 yes this was depressing I apologize.

Oh and FYI I am over throwing the young dems at ASU.

Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn’t really plan on going

 So here I chill this Thursday. I am Exhausted. Used, and most of all thirsty.

 I am always thirsty though

 But the  used part.. apparently the redhead doesn't want to string  me along. I don't get strung along. I  usually neglect the situation until I bitch enough to the BFF or to someone else.

I have too much stuff for someone like him. I would like to call it a life. Sometimes  I wish he had one too maybe that could lead to something more. And no VIDEO GAMES do not constitute a life. I wanted to know if it did, I checked my facts- still doesn't count.

In other news, I'll call him Deli boy since there is a deli named after  him by where I work.  He's the one who I have liked for awhile. It's all unstable for the factor  of the whirlwind of bullshit like being sick, me not being able to go to his formal. Flusters me. He's a good guy, just wish something would happen. 

Then there is the boy who I will probably molest if there were ever the opportunity-  too bad he lives in the hellish town of Tucson. 

 

My family is leaving soon to go back to Indiana. I hope they have fun, since I can't go. But i don't think I want to look at nursing homes and going to cardiologists appointments and when they see me they always check my ehart because I am so young. Yeah- expectancy of my getting heart disease to them is 25... wtf.

Well look at the  demo graphic

Both parents heart disease by  age 40.

I need some relaxing. A break. Can you find me one.

Oh and I am awesome at STD trivia. IF you didn't know- now you do.

I second that emotion.

I have been busy bee lately.

With all the school work I have, plus work, and the obvious stress.

I  decided against the redhead for good. We can be friends but nothing more is what I think. I deserve someone who wants me to be in their life. And according to everyone else I deserve better.

I am just angry about  that I can't make it to my friends formal because my mom is flying back into town. From Indiana. I just really would like to do more things with him and get to know him better it just hasnt been happening since  I got sick then he got sick. Then he got put on Phenergan (The worlds most evil medicine ever). I just would like to hang out with him more. I like  the people he's around usually its a good time. I don't know I really wish I could just go. The thing is if I were to go to a formal it probably would be AEPHI's formal. Shrug. I know he reads this now and again. This is me telling you-  especially after the text I sent you.

 

Easter this weekend. My mom leaves Monday with the grandparents. It will be refreshing. 

I am at a crossroads of what I want. I don't know what to do with anyone. With anything. I want a drink- a backrub- and a  good time.

GIve me one of the three. I am yours.

Come on whisper it once.

So as the Month of March closes  all that comes with it collapses.

No more march badassness. 

My grandparents are leaving.

School is almost over. Thank god.

So more juicy gossip I may present.

 I have walking pneumonia, which fucking sucks. I came back to Tempe  Saturday to a warm welcoming. Then throw in a mustashe party.. which I had a panic attack at.

I met the redheads family. I just kind of want to know what he wants from me. I am  kind of  confused. You just don't someones family do you? 

I guess you really are never going to get what you want. Like Purdue winning March Madness,  or getting the last cookie from the cookie jar.

But I suppose that's all.

Paisley Jane signing off.