Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn’t really plan on going

 So here I chill this Thursday. I am Exhausted. Used, and most of all thirsty.

 I am always thirsty though

 But the  used part.. apparently the redhead doesn't want to string  me along. I don't get strung along. I  usually neglect the situation until I bitch enough to the BFF or to someone else.

I have too much stuff for someone like him. I would like to call it a life. Sometimes  I wish he had one too maybe that could lead to something more. And no VIDEO GAMES do not constitute a life. I wanted to know if it did, I checked my facts- still doesn't count.

In other news, I'll call him Deli boy since there is a deli named after  him by where I work.  He's the one who I have liked for awhile. It's all unstable for the factor  of the whirlwind of bullshit like being sick, me not being able to go to his formal. Flusters me. He's a good guy, just wish something would happen. 

Then there is the boy who I will probably molest if there were ever the opportunity-  too bad he lives in the hellish town of Tucson. 

 

My family is leaving soon to go back to Indiana. I hope they have fun, since I can't go. But i don't think I want to look at nursing homes and going to cardiologists appointments and when they see me they always check my ehart because I am so young. Yeah- expectancy of my getting heart disease to them is 25... wtf.

Well look at the  demo graphic

Both parents heart disease by  age 40.

I need some relaxing. A break. Can you find me one.

Oh and I am awesome at STD trivia. IF you didn't know- now you do.

I second that emotion.

I have been busy bee lately.

With all the school work I have, plus work, and the obvious stress.

I  decided against the redhead for good. We can be friends but nothing more is what I think. I deserve someone who wants me to be in their life. And according to everyone else I deserve better.

I am just angry about  that I can't make it to my friends formal because my mom is flying back into town. From Indiana. I just really would like to do more things with him and get to know him better it just hasnt been happening since  I got sick then he got sick. Then he got put on Phenergan (The worlds most evil medicine ever). I just would like to hang out with him more. I like  the people he's around usually its a good time. I don't know I really wish I could just go. The thing is if I were to go to a formal it probably would be AEPHI's formal. Shrug. I know he reads this now and again. This is me telling you-  especially after the text I sent you.

 

Easter this weekend. My mom leaves Monday with the grandparents. It will be refreshing. 

I am at a crossroads of what I want. I don't know what to do with anyone. With anything. I want a drink- a backrub- and a  good time.

GIve me one of the three. I am yours.

Come on whisper it once.

So as the Month of March closes  all that comes with it collapses.

No more march badassness. 

My grandparents are leaving.

School is almost over. Thank god.

So more juicy gossip I may present.

 I have walking pneumonia, which fucking sucks. I came back to Tempe  Saturday to a warm welcoming. Then throw in a mustashe party.. which I had a panic attack at.

I met the redheads family. I just kind of want to know what he wants from me. I am  kind of  confused. You just don't someones family do you? 

I guess you really are never going to get what you want. Like Purdue winning March Madness,  or getting the last cookie from the cookie jar.

But I suppose that's all.

Paisley Jane signing off.

raindrops keep falling on my head.

As the end of March approaches so do the cold and flu season- or in my case walking pnuemonia.

Yeah, so much fun. Mind you in the past 24 hours I haven't slept. I haven't really heard from anyone. I saw my sorority sisters which was interesting  considering I didn't talk. I just sat there and watched ( I also don't have a voice). Alot of the girls worry me in the sheer fact that they just discovered people may like them for what they are - not who they are. But what do I know.. apparently nothing

Boys. The good the bad and the ugly.

lets go from the ugly to the good.

Ugly- Redhead. throughout this whole week of me being sick he didn't believe nonetheless are that i was sick and or try to do anything.  I would love to be worth something to this kid but thereis no way to do so. I have for the most part stopped trying. He's currently texting me pointless messages. I remember not even a month ago where he would drive up  to Phoenix to see me. I am sorry- I know you don't want a relationship from me I do believe that you should treat me  with some sort of respect. And RESPECT not just in the sleeping with no one ese factor. I want someone I could actually trust to have a coversation with. But apparently thats not how it works.

Bad-

An old friend who got a girlfriend andrrecntly broke up with  her is annoying the crap out me. he's all your great i could be a great rebound we both need one etc.(FYI I need nothing) He's been way too overbearing while I have been sick asking me if I need anything  and then of course not being able to because I live in Phoenix. GO FUCKING FIGURE. I wouldn't want anything from him. I deserve someone who thinks I am good enough the first time around K thanks.

The good.

The little jew who could I would like to call it. He was a dark horse through most of my trials and tribulations. I had a nice time with him at the cooking class. he's been messaging me- to do stuff after I get better. he shows potential it's refreshing.

And FML.

It seems to me that maybe,It pretty much always means no

Well, its two days after St. Patricks day-- and I feel like garbage. 

Physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I am at this breaking point. Where I am going to just scream in everyones face.

I feel like I am those religious nutbags on campus. Preaching something no body cares about or even willing to listen.

And when I listen I get this..

A friend was telling me about how I am this amazing person. Because I could detect that his relationship was going down the shitter before it even started. Go figure. 

I tried to open up again. But once again someone was in a crabby mood and felt shut out that was awesome. Makes me feel happy as a clam. 

I went to the Phoenix Suns game yesterday. We won. I lost my voice. I started puking when I got to the Redheads house. 

Woke up with morning with no voice. And a fever.

Still did my midterm and a 3 page paper. But you know- the worse you feel the more you get done. 

Or atleast in my case.

The sorority is interesting. I got "big" or like mentor sister. She's a real sweet girl. But the other girls I feel in alot of cases that I don't fit in if that makes any sense. Most of them don't work. Alot of them come from wealthy families. I am not saying that this is a bad thing. But  when saying you have to work, and do everything else- it would be nice to have someone to relate to.

I am back to have those panic attacks. Had one at 3 am this morning. I just let him lie there next me. As he was somber I kind of  felt neglected. Here I am in hysterics. Noticing that I haven't really needed anyone. But when it comes to the point of wanting someone in your life. They either push you away- get sucked into something/someone/ or are sleeping.

Can I be the one sleeping? Or am I always just there for everyone else?

Hopefully my throat will feel better by 5... I am seeing Rent. If I feel like shit- hopefully, I wont go to work tomorrow.

Just a few thoughts.

Hopefully ASU beats Temple tomorrow!

My roomate is gone for the weekend.

So is the dog!

Maybe if I block everyone out of my life- maybe that will make people want to get to know me better and know why I am so cynical or wait is that someone else?

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

 I have not blogged well since before V-day. And BOY alot has happened since.

Basically, the sorority is going well minus being on the dirty. Le shrug. I figure you know- it just gets more people to know me and or about me. It was rude, and crude- especially since  I went to a party later that week and was asked if I was on it. I just went yeah. I love how people get misconceptions of me from one silly picture. Such is life.

In other news males are interesting. I still liked the redheaded one. He makes me giggle, smile, and all of those  great feeling things. I just feel kind of stuck with the feeling of wanting more or just being happy where I am at. I haven't really had feelings for a person like this before. I am usually used to someone harassing me as a joke but then its the little things like him winking or kissing me on the cheek. I even tried opening up to him. I just don't do that. I am never just ready to open up to someone. And for some odd reason. I would love to with him. I am just afraid.

Along the lines of boys.

Another boy is around who I am almost sure is interested . But I don't know what to feel/expect. He's a nice guy. Hung up over a girl. Like they all are. I was his DD on Tuesday after his Frat had a party. It was funny as he yelled in the parking lot of his complex,"You're really fucking cute." I laughed. That's my reaction to anything a goofy drunk says.

Shrug. The sorority stuff  has been going well. I love the girls. They are a good bunch of people. Even though the redheads new avorite term for me is sorority slut.

The flustered frustration continues...

Hey all, I haven't really updated lately.

I am  just so busy. SERIOUSLY.

With...

School

Work

the unattainable crush.

and rushing..

Oh wait did I say rushing.

I am actually considering rushing a sorority. AEPHI. The German girl is rushing a Jewish sorority. Oxymoron? Yes. Do I care? No.

 

In other news, Danielle is going nuts. She takes way too much to thinking everything is about her. When it's not.  I definitely don't want to be like her. Hence why I get myself busy. I feel like she is losing all of her friendships because of the way she is acting towards people. And that is not my fault!

My health has gone nuts... It's no longer crohns disease it's- ulcerative colitis. Wikipedia that shit. It's disgusting.

That boy I have a crush on. Idk his deal. I am not going to force anything. Not worth it since apparently I am not worth it to him. But that's his problem not mine. Hopefully he stops thinking I am mad or taking anger out him. When I am not..:--D

I went out with a friend a few nights ago and they thought it was something else... Yeah thats never happening again.

Family is nuts.

And work is crazy. My manager isn't doing anything like normal we will see what will happen after- Stephanie talks to Dan.

Seems like always around Valentines Day someone gets their heart broken.

-Hopefully it's not mine

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