Wednesday, June 10, 2009

“Your heart is my piñata.”

Well alot has happened since I last posted. Which I don't even remember. This one isn't really up-lifting or happy. It's just my way to vent. And at this point in time. It's something I need. Something healthy perhaps.
  It all started  Around May 17th. I was admitted into the hospital. For my vomiting problem which was later diagnosed as Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I had 2 allergic reactions. One to something called reglan and the other to some mass amount of potassium they put into my system. But during this time- something else happened. They prescribed me with something called Ambien. You know  the one where you get a good nights rest? Well after a week of being in the hospital and an endoscopy later- I was discharged. But for the next three days I was on nothing- and not sleeping.
For the next 4 days- I slept. Maybe not well. But I slept. I wouldn't remember things during the day- and when I slept- I would be knocked out. To the extent of where you could shake me and yell at me- I would just sleep through it. Which you know intially people dream to sleep like this. I was content for the moment- until something happen. Something I probably will remember along with a few other things for the rest of my life. 
So during the day of May 29-30th  I went swimming at my pool and hung out with a few friends. Sure I got a little frustrated with Nathan. But what else is new.I don't even know why now- so its obviously that important. I went to bed at 930 and woke up at 12 ish. A friend came  over to talk. from that point on I remember nothing. Mind you I was on Ambien.  Remarkably my friend, Tristan mentioned issues with memory loss. Which I had suffered the night before when I crashed at Nathan's not remembering when people called to talk to me. 
So May 30th happened. I woke up. Brusing on my thieghs and noticable  brusing on my neck- the back of it. My roommate walks out and asks ," did you have sex with BLEEEEP".  I said  I guess so-  I didn't remember a thing. The shock  was rediculous. The only thing that was going through my head is- why me? I didn't do anything- I wasn't being seductive nonetheless flirtatous. I was drugged out of my mind asleep. I felt used. Like all I was good for was someone to sleep with- someone to use. 
In that factor - to be used by someone  that you didn't want to associate yourself with nothing more than friends.
I  didn't understand why I was having panic attacks. Like breakdown in the middle of Fry's over Good and Plenty breakdown. I was a wreck. At this point in time 3 people knew what happened. My roomate- Me( or what I could see was wrong)-and the perpertrator.
As the week went on things got worse-- my sleep schedule was off. I felt out of sorts. Not like myself. I was in the state of fear. Until I got a text from the Perpretrator. Which included-
Wasn't last night fun?
me- I don't remember last night and  what happened? Did we have sex? 
Perp- Yeah. I stopped when you told me too.

I don't remember him coming in my room nonetheless giving someone permission to have sex with me. 

It came to the point when I had one of these attacks right before I went to the doctor. I reorganized my thoughts and decided I needed to talk to someone.. tell someone else. And that's when I got ahold of Tempe police. And explained my situation.  I also later explained it to Nathan and 2 other friends.

I am at the breaking point of where I feel pressured to file charges. I know the factor of a rape case in Tempe going through is less than 5 percent. 
Or do I put a restraining order on this person. And it stay there for a year. Unless someone looks him up for a job and it's there for life.

I feel kind of worthless. I feel used. I don't even want to be around people anymore. People don't get the idea of someone having that ultimate control over you.

I wish I had some kind of power to fix it.

So I am selling some of the possessions that are directly associated with this crime. 

I am living until further notice. I want to move on with life- but don't really have anyone to talk about this with.