Thursday, March 19, 2009

It seems to me that maybe,It pretty much always means no

Well, its two days after St. Patricks day-- and I feel like garbage. 
Physically, emotionally, mentally. 
I am at this breaking point. Where I am going to just scream in everyones face.
I feel like I am those religious nutbags on campus. Preaching something no body cares about or even willing to listen.

And when I listen I get this..
A friend was telling me about how I am this amazing person. Because I could detect that his relationship was going down the shitter before it even started. Go figure. 

I tried to open up again. But once again someone was in a crabby mood and felt shut out that was awesome. Makes me feel happy as a clam. 

I went to the Phoenix Suns game yesterday. We won. I lost my voice. I started puking when I got to the Redheads house. 
Woke up with morning with no voice. And a fever.

Still did my midterm and a 3 page paper. But you know- the worse you feel the more you get done. 
Or atleast in my case.

The sorority is interesting. I got "big" or like mentor sister. She's a real sweet girl. But the other girls I feel in alot of cases that I don't fit in if that makes any sense. Most of them don't work. Alot of them come from wealthy families. I am not saying that this is a bad thing. But  when saying you have to work, and do everything else- it would be nice to have someone to relate to.

I am back to have those panic attacks. Had one at 3 am this morning. I just let him lie there next me. As he was somber I kind of  felt neglected. Here I am in hysterics. Noticing that I haven't really needed anyone. But when it comes to the point of wanting someone in your life. They either push you away- get sucked into something/someone/ or are sleeping.

Can I be the one sleeping? Or am I always just there for everyone else?

Hopefully my throat will feel better by 5... I am seeing Rent. If I feel like shit- hopefully, I wont go to work tomorrow.

Just a few thoughts.

Hopefully ASU beats Temple tomorrow!
My roomate is gone for the weekend.
So is the dog!

Maybe if I block everyone out of my life- maybe that will make people want to get to know me better and know why I am so cynical or wait is that someone else?

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