It seems to me that maybe,It pretty much always means no

Well, its two days after St. Patricks day-- and I feel like garbage. 

Physically, emotionally, mentally. 

I am at this breaking point. Where I am going to just scream in everyones face.

I feel like I am those religious nutbags on campus. Preaching something no body cares about or even willing to listen.

And when I listen I get this..

A friend was telling me about how I am this amazing person. Because I could detect that his relationship was going down the shitter before it even started. Go figure. 

I tried to open up again. But once again someone was in a crabby mood and felt shut out that was awesome. Makes me feel happy as a clam. 

I went to the Phoenix Suns game yesterday. We won. I lost my voice. I started puking when I got to the Redheads house. 

Woke up with morning with no voice. And a fever.

Still did my midterm and a 3 page paper. But you know- the worse you feel the more you get done. 

Or atleast in my case.

The sorority is interesting. I got "big" or like mentor sister. She's a real sweet girl. But the other girls I feel in alot of cases that I don't fit in if that makes any sense. Most of them don't work. Alot of them come from wealthy families. I am not saying that this is a bad thing. But  when saying you have to work, and do everything else- it would be nice to have someone to relate to.

I am back to have those panic attacks. Had one at 3 am this morning. I just let him lie there next me. As he was somber I kind of  felt neglected. Here I am in hysterics. Noticing that I haven't really needed anyone. But when it comes to the point of wanting someone in your life. They either push you away- get sucked into something/someone/ or are sleeping.

Can I be the one sleeping? Or am I always just there for everyone else?

Hopefully my throat will feel better by 5... I am seeing Rent. If I feel like shit- hopefully, I wont go to work tomorrow.

Just a few thoughts.

Hopefully ASU beats Temple tomorrow!

My roomate is gone for the weekend.

So is the dog!

Maybe if I block everyone out of my life- maybe that will make people want to get to know me better and know why I am so cynical or wait is that someone else?

Blackbird singing in the dead of night.

 I have not blogged well since before V-day. And BOY alot has happened since.

Basically, the sorority is going well minus being on the dirty. Le shrug. I figure you know- it just gets more people to know me and or about me. It was rude, and crude- especially since  I went to a party later that week and was asked if I was on it. I just went yeah. I love how people get misconceptions of me from one silly picture. Such is life.

In other news males are interesting. I still liked the redheaded one. He makes me giggle, smile, and all of those  great feeling things. I just feel kind of stuck with the feeling of wanting more or just being happy where I am at. I haven't really had feelings for a person like this before. I am usually used to someone harassing me as a joke but then its the little things like him winking or kissing me on the cheek. I even tried opening up to him. I just don't do that. I am never just ready to open up to someone. And for some odd reason. I would love to with him. I am just afraid.

Along the lines of boys.

Another boy is around who I am almost sure is interested . But I don't know what to feel/expect. He's a nice guy. Hung up over a girl. Like they all are. I was his DD on Tuesday after his Frat had a party. It was funny as he yelled in the parking lot of his complex,"You're really fucking cute." I laughed. That's my reaction to anything a goofy drunk says.

Shrug. The sorority stuff  has been going well. I love the girls. They are a good bunch of people. Even though the redheads new avorite term for me is sorority slut.

The flustered frustration continues...

Hey all, I haven't really updated lately.

I am  just so busy. SERIOUSLY.

With...

School

Work

the unattainable crush.

and rushing..

Oh wait did I say rushing.

I am actually considering rushing a sorority. AEPHI. The German girl is rushing a Jewish sorority. Oxymoron? Yes. Do I care? No.

 

In other news, Danielle is going nuts. She takes way too much to thinking everything is about her. When it's not.  I definitely don't want to be like her. Hence why I get myself busy. I feel like she is losing all of her friendships because of the way she is acting towards people. And that is not my fault!

My health has gone nuts... It's no longer crohns disease it's- ulcerative colitis. Wikipedia that shit. It's disgusting.

That boy I have a crush on. Idk his deal. I am not going to force anything. Not worth it since apparently I am not worth it to him. But that's his problem not mine. Hopefully he stops thinking I am mad or taking anger out him. When I am not..:--D

I went out with a friend a few nights ago and they thought it was something else... Yeah thats never happening again.

Family is nuts.

And work is crazy. My manager isn't doing anything like normal we will see what will happen after- Stephanie talks to Dan.

Seems like always around Valentines Day someone gets their heart broken.

-Hopefully it's not mine

<3>

Get Ready because here I come.

Hey all it's been awhile since I last blogged. What has been going on in my world? Well work is super boring. It's starting to get annoying.

School has started.

 My first class was Math

As most of you know, I am not a big fan of math. I hate Math... it's horrible. I am doing okay in it right now.

Then I have Family Cultural and Ethnic Diversity.

The teacher is super energetic. Which I really like. Plus in the first class we watched an episode of the office which I freaking love. We shall see how these classes go.

Then  I had parent adolescence relationships. It was interesting.  The teacher is a snooze. Were watching a video about the brain tomorrow.

Then English is boring- basically with Mr. Garrison. So funny.

Courtship and Marriage is funny- it's with FEY so it's usually pretty amusing. Plus its my last class of the day.

In other news. The redheaded boy  and I are taking things slow. God only knows whats going on in his brian. But Ia m okay with taking things slow. Good things come to those who wait.

He's been sick. :(

 I also have been wondering why he keeps thinkings I would drop him. he says something along the lines of do you know how many guys would want to date you? I  figure if I am with him. that's what counts. I am not into cheating. But thats me.

I am sick. WTF.

Okay I never get sick. Minus my Crohns. And I get sick. Partially because of taking care of the boy. Partially because I fucking am sick- and kids at work are getting sick.

 

I am exhausted.

I have watched -

Saved

Because I Said So

American Teen

Later I am watching 

CAMP

And Shawshank Redemption.

and pineapple express.

FIX ME.

More Than A Feeling.

So the wonderful world of me is confusing. I usually am super fucking confident. Fucking badass. I know what I want and how to get it.

Just not as of lately. 

I am a big mess of confusion.

I am starting to trust someone. Yeah it took a few months. But I am. It scares the living shit out of me.

I have never been one to trust... EVER. 

Especially after the whole jewdouche  incident and his snagglenosed bitch expelling my secret that no one really needed to know about.

I dont get jealous. And I am fucking jealous- and it's over nothing.

I feel like screaming into a pillow and beating up people.

I don't get crushes. I don't hold shit in and what am I doing?

EXACTLY That.

And why the fuck do I feel like I have connection with someone- and I can't think of what that connection is minus

-family life

-movies

-hookah

- dead baby jokes

- friends.

- and he's a dynamite kisser.

- kind of gets why life just sucks sometimes

- isn't a little bitch about my stomach

- and he listens. it's nice. it's not even rude.

- plus the sarcasm is a turn on.

And why the fuck am I still rambling.

In other news. 

Crohns and colitis walk 4-18-09

go to it. Not relay for life. they fucking suck.

Advice?

K thanks

I keep wanting to say I am happy in this spot. i just keep getting more and more confused with things.I hate that.

Maybe I want something more. 

But that wont happen knowing him.

I am a fierce bitch.

So like normal I am good house wife. I made chicken and noodles last night. Got drunk. Spilled my stupid pathetic feelings out. True story.
Okay let me begin where it all started. So that guy the one who bought the necklace- I was making him dinner. He has made me dinner twice. So I thought. Who doesn't love homemade chicken and noodles. They are really that good. And Brian said, he was bored. So I let him come over. STUPID MISTAKE. Let me get into who Brian is- Brian is a gay black guy that is crazy. So crazy he broke into my apartment. So lame.
And then it turned into a party. This guy, garrett, lori, kim, and heather along with brian came over.
I got jealous over the guy who bought a necklace. Which all brought some shit out. I decided- hey lets get drunk.
And drunk did I get.
Everyone slowly left minus Garrett. He kind of came onto me. But I kicked everyone out. And who was at my door...
Nothing else but Jordan! He needed helped. I was drunk and was a bitch I feel bad about that. But I wanted to fix some problems with the necklace boy.
SHRUG.
I ended up talking to his friend, lets call him sprouts boy. He basically told me we were both afraid of a relationship.
We ended up talking about what we wanted. It was refreshing. A healthy kind of talk. I like those. Although I was trashed.
So I wake up. And go back to my apartment to brian at my apartment in boy short blaring club music. AFTER HE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.
Shrug.

I really am confused and don't know what to do. I like necklace boy and i get that we both should wait to trust each other because fuck we all know I have trust issues. But I really think something good could come out of it.

Best wishes. And a damn happy new year.

I had one. And an amazing new years kiss.